This blog is really long, basically describing details of the relationship to created a better picture of why things were that way. So, please be patient and read the whole thing. Thank you!
My life has never been the same since my break up with the love of my life almost 3 years ago. Many of you may think it is dumb and I should just move on already but I can't. When I started college I did not even think about falling inlove, all I wanted to do is work towards my career and get established. But of course being an artistic person little crushes started to develop, nothing serious of course. Since I was the only undergrad. in my major I ended up hanging out with the graduate students, most of whom were internationals. I felt comfortable and very soon we all became dear friends and colleagues. From all of the grads I especially become close to one Balkan guy (trying to keep it as anonymous as possible). We shared similarities in culture and likes. He was a show man, incredibly talented, and very handsome. However, at first I did not develop anything other than friendly feelings towards him. We shared witty and deep conversations and that was about it. Then it all started... He was the first to ask me out on a date, basically admitting his feelings towards me. I was so nervous and almost shocked because at that point I had no idea about proper dating (wasn't allowed in High School) or even the fact that he liked me really made me uneasy. To make the story short, after a couple of weeks I started to develop feelings for him as well. I remember the exact day when it all happened. I will never ever call anything magical, to avoid cheeziness, but that was the moment when I realized that I was swept off my feet. He was practicing in the auditorium one evening, music just flowed out of his fingers and left me trembling. I was speechless! This man has become my icon of music making (take a note I was only 18 at the time) and I wanted to play just like him.
After that day things were different - I fell head-over-heels inlove. One would say, "Oh what a cute love story. You both loved eachother and were happy." But it wasn't like that at all. At least not for the first year. I couldn't date him because of our differences in faith and other things, which I will not mention here. He knew it and it was hurting him as much as it was hurting me. Like how can two people care for and develop such intense feelings for eachother and not be together? And of course our communication suffered. We started fighting, including the typical door slamming and long hours of weeping. It became unbearable to even see eachother in the hall ways, left alone hang out with the rest of the crowd. My family was seriously concerned about me. I ate poorly, I couldn't sleep, I started loosing weight, I couldn't focus on my studies anymore. I was in serious depression. All I could do was sob. It lasted for a year. Summer came and we finally got a break from eachother's presence. Life went on. I met other people, and I started dating again.
Summer ended and the new semester began. My Balkan guy and I finally started to talk again. We apologized to eachother and decided to forget the past and become friends again. It was wonderful! He became a shoulder for me to lead on, we became inseparable and have truly become best friends (who knew!). For the winter break I went back to my native country where I haven't been in 5 years. I was so ecstatic! During that trip I have learned a lot about myself and I think for the first time I finally realized what I wanted. I realized that I wasn't inlove with my current boyfriend and the person I only cared for and loved all this time was my Balkan friend. No matter how much I denied it and tried to push the feelings away, I couldn't. I loved him more than anything.
It was already March when I told the B. guy that I was breaking up with the "summer romance" because things just weren't going anywhere. It was final and I was single again. I will never forget that day when the Balkan guy and I went out to eat for the first time after my return. We had so much fun talking, I was sharing my experience of my trip to my native country. Through out the whole time I couldn't stop but notice the sparkle in his eyes. I didn't have to say anything, he already knew... That day we ended up back together and oh my God, I was never soo incredibly happy in my life. Our fights in the past and our differences didn't matter anymore. He respected me and I've learned to respect him and his views. We have truly bonded and nothing could separate us now.
Nothing until that summer. By then it was already two years of this crazy emotional roller-coaster but we finally were back together. He finished his M.M and now was moving to another state (very far) for his further studies. That summer we were separated and only talked on the phone. That's when things stopped making sense again. Slowly we started arguing, he started saying offensive things to me and demanded me to prove my love to him by deciding to move with him once I am done with my school. It was so painful. I couldn't believe that this same person, with whom I shared soo much and who was my first true love, would become so demanding and even hurtful.. I was crushed. I couldn't make that promise, meaning I couldn't prove my love to him the way he wanted me. I was still so young (only a Junior in college) and couldn't make such a life changing decision without living first and finding my self.
To make the story short, after certain things were said and done I found myself back on the ground, back in the senseless reality seeing things how they were and with a dilemma of making a decision. I wrote him a very long e-mail (we couldn't call eachother anymore), expressing my feelings and letting him know about my decision and asking him to give me time (in other words I needed a break). I didn't know for how long but things couldn't go on like this. I knew he loved me and I knew he wanted to marry me, I did so as well...very much so. But I also knew things between us were sour and almost hidden and now all of the sudden everything just blew up and it's either take it or leave it. I also knew that my family would be against it. Like, sure you can wait for someone for 2 years but I couldn't go visit him alone and he was too poor to travel back and forth.
He did not take it well at all and eventually told me to move on. He didn't write to me any more and through damned facebook I started seeing new pictures of him in the company of other girls. I felt replaced. Before that he sent me a few agonizing e-mails, saying how much I've hurt him and broke his heart. That he felt betrayed by my decision and wanted nothing to do with me (crazy Balkan men...). We were over. Two months later I found out that he started seeing someone else. And that's when everything in my life has stopped.
It has been almost three years. This past summer he ended up marrying the girl and now he is lost to me forever. It is very hard to explain why I still hold on to the past, I am not a needy person. I dated many guys (even happily) after him but it has never been the same since and I always ended up breaking up with them. I feel like a part of me has died and I am unable to make anything better. I don't know how his marriage is going, I truly hope he is happy, I could never wish him anything other than happiness and comfort. But my love for him has never died and I am afraid it never will. We lost any sort of communication, he doesn't even respond to my silly youtube videos on facebook that I usually share with my friends. I am dead to him and that's how it is going to remain.
I didn't mean for this blog to appear sappy or overly dramatic, but only people who shared similar experience could really understand me and perhaps share their own experiences and how they managed to move on. I am heart broken and even though I have moved on with my life and now in a completely different place, the past still haunts me and I just wish I knew what to do and how to leave it all behind.
So thank you.
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